Good Luckly's Unofficial Guide to Being a Less Annoying New Yorker

You may be wondering how I’m qualified to write a guide to anything NY-related when I just moved back three months ago. My qualifications stem from the fact that I was born in Brooklyn and lived here for 26 years--an amount of time that definitely gives me the right to claim New Yorker status.

In addition, ever since my return, I've been plagued by the disconcerting feeling that I’ve never left. The nine years in SF feel like they never happened—they were a happy dream, a protracted vacation. I know that living on the West Coast changed me significantly (I hope) but once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker, for better or worse.

So even though I like to think I’ve mellowed out from my stint in California, the truth is I probably haven’t. All it took was a couple of 95-plus degree days and some subway follies to unleash my desire to open a can of whoop-ass on everyone around me.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to embark upon a little list/guide for fellow New Yorkers to avoid pissing me off. These guidelines are not unreasonable and not hard to remember—in fact, they are rooted in common sense and a little common courtesy—not too much to ask right, people???

1. TAKE UP AS LITTLE SPACE AS POSSIBLE
New York City is populated by more than 8.2 million people. It’s crowded. Don’t add to the overcrowding by taking up more space than necessary. For example, if you’re carrying one of those soon to be outdated oversized purses, carry it close to your person--tucked tightly under your arm, perhaps, or laid flat against the front of your body, ideally. Not only will you protect yourself from pick-pocketers and purse-snatchers, you’ll also avoid pissing me off by banging the bag into my side or having it block the aisle of the train.

2. WALK QUICKLY AND IN A STRAIGHT LINE
If you’re walking on a crowded sidewalk, don’t meander. Now’s not the time to stop and smell the roses. Don’t amble from side to side. And don’t make any sudden movements. There’s probably somebody behind you, trying to pass. If you swerve all of a sudden, you will invariably run right into them, pissing them off.

3. DON'T HOG THE SIDEWALK
This principle is closely related to number one. If you’re walking with someone, walk as close to them as humanly possible. If this person is a new acquaintance then you may allow up to 5 inches of space between the two of you, but that’s it. If you’re in a group (3 people or more), you must split up. Under no circumstances, should you ever walk side by side as a threesome. If you ignore my advice, don’t be surprised when you get “bumped into” by pissed-off pedestrians.

4. KEEP IT ON A SHORT LEASH
If you’re walking a dog, keep that crapper on a short leash. If you’re walking a child, keep that child glued to your leg (see number 2). Otherwise when I’m trying to pass, I may get tangled up in the leash and/or child and get pissed off.

5. STEP ASIDE SISTER
If you see a door, entrance or exit of any kind, don’t block it. Never block a subway door unless you intend to get out at the next stop. If you do, you deserve to be pushed off the train. And no one will come to your aid because they know you deserve it.

6. KEEP IT MOVING
If you happen to find yourself by the control panel in an elevator, wait for the last person to board, press the close button, and then KEEP YOUR FINGER on the button. If you don’t, the doors will wait a few seconds to close--just long enough to allow one incredibly selfish person to “slip” inside, which will inevitably set off the door’s safety sensors allowing an entire crowd of people to bum-rush the doors.

7. BE PREPARED
When approaching a turnstile in the subway, have your metro card out and ready to go. Don’t stand in front of the turnstile, digging in your purse or your wallet, while a pissed-off mob gathers behind you. But be careful not to swipe your card too quickly. The serial number won’t register and you’ll be forced to re-swipe, much to the dismay of an even more pissed-off mob behind you.

8. WEATHER ANY STORM
Inclement weather brings out the worst in people. In addition to releasing impossibly musty odors, rain necessitates umbrellas, the use of which few folks have mastered. Here’s a few rules to live by: When walking on a narrow sidewalk, look at the person coming towards you. Position your umbrella opposite to theirs. If they’re holding it high, hold yours low, and vice versa. If the sidewalk is too crowded with umbrellas, opt for holding it high. You may get a few sprinkles, but it’s better than getting into an umbrella war with a pissed-off person like me.

9. DON'T LEAN ON ME
New York is the city that never sleeps--not a bad thing on a Friday night, not so good on a Friday morning when some fat guy next to you is sound asleep, his head practically on your shoulder. Word to the wise: get your 8 hours of sleep. On a separate but related note, the pole in the middle of the subway is designed for hands. Many of them. If you lean against the pole with your body, where are the rest of us supposed to hold on? The only spaces that are left are the crook of your neck and your waist. So blame yourself if you feel some pissed-off person’s hands invading your personal space.

10. VOID RULES 1-9 IF YOU'RE THE EMPEROR
I break at least one of these rules every day, pissing off everyone around me.

Subway Blues

You know your commute is bad when you actually start to miss San Francisco’s poor excuse of a public transportation system. Despite the scattered routes, frequent delays and unseemly riders—most of whom look and SMELL like they just crawled out of a cardboard box seconds before boarding the train or bus—I never had a commute that normally takes half an hour morph into one that takes four hours. Never. Not once in the nine years I lived in SF.

There’s something about the Big Apple and freak accidents that happen right around rush hour. Last month, a freak steam-pipe explosion took place around 5:30 pm, halting all transportation in and out of Grand Central Station. Today, a freak rainstorm essentially wiped out the entire NY public transportation system. Literally every train was out of service, rerouted or massively delayed.

One of the reasons I chose to live in Brooklyn Heights was because of its proximity to all major train lines. To get to the west side, I can take the A, C, 2 or 3. To get to Broadway or 6th Avenue, I can take the R or F. To get to the East Side, I can take the 4 or 5. All my bases are covered, right? Wrong!!! ALL of these lines were out this morning.

I heard about the delays right around 8:15, usually the time that I leave for work. LUCKLY Howard Stern was on vacation so I was watching Good Morning America instead. Otherwise, I might not have heard about the massive delays until I walked to the train. I waited until 9:45, checking the MTA's web site and torturing Dave with my impatience until he was literally ready to throw me out. We walked 20 minutes in the 95 degree heat to a station I’d never been to before. I was dripping sweat by the time I arrived--and I’m famous for not sweating.

I walked down to the train station only to be greeted by the largest swarming mass of humanity I’ve seen in recent memory. It seemed that every single person in Brooklyn decided to come en masse to this particular station. It's usually oppressive underground at this time of year, but today steam was literally rising off of people’s heads.

Several trains went by and I was unable to board because they were packed to capacity. Finally, after pushing my way onto an N train, I was on my way. The train stopped running at 42nd Street, for no apparent reason, so I had to get out and wait another 15 minutes for an R train making local stops. By the time I got to work, it was almost noon. Sigh.

All of this happened after I saw pictures of my dear friend MJ’s beautiful new home, somewhere in Marin County. The house and the adorable tykes—Finn and Pip—look beautiful, idyllic, hippyish, and old-fashioned, like they’ve traveled to the future from some distant, more peace-loving time. Anyway, it made me miss the laid-back lifestyle of San Fran. Life in NYC can be exhilirating, but man, it freaking blows sometimes.

A-Rod & Ribs

I'm not much of a baseball fan. The only time I really got into the game was when an old man got knocked down (the infamous game when Pedro Martinez knocked Don Zimmer to the ground) and that's just because I always love a good old-fashioned rivalry.

So call me LUCKLY, I guess!! Yesterday we went to my first Yankee's game ever, and of course, 10 minutes after we sit down, A-rod hits his 500th homer. I was with die-hard Yankee's fans (Dave, Evanisko, Amy, and the other 54,000 people in the stadium) so of course, the whole place erupted in thunderous, earth-shattering applause. Even though I don't know the significance of being the youngest person to hit 500 homers (is it really that hard? I think I could do it, maybe...) it was pretty cool being there. Either way, my first Yankee's game was a memorable one indeed. I didn't even read the US Weekly I bought with me in case I got bored.

After the game, we went to Dinosaur's BBQ in Harlem. Gorging on margaritas, ribs, brisket, and pulled pork in 95 degree weather. In other words, an awesome Saturday!!