You may be wondering how I’m qualified to write a guide to anything NY-related when I just moved back three months ago. My qualifications stem from the fact that I was born in Brooklyn and lived here for 26 years--an amount of time that definitely gives me the right to claim New Yorker status.
In addition, ever since my return, I've been plagued by the disconcerting feeling that I’ve never left. The nine years in SF feel like they never happened—they were a happy dream, a protracted vacation. I know that living on the West Coast changed me significantly (I hope) but once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker, for better or worse.
So even though I like to think I’ve mellowed out from my stint in California, the truth is I probably haven’t. All it took was a couple of 95-plus degree days and some subway follies to unleash my desire to open a can of whoop-ass on everyone around me.
With this in mind, I’ve decided to embark upon a little list/guide for fellow New Yorkers to avoid pissing me off. These guidelines are not unreasonable and not hard to remember—in fact, they are rooted in common sense and a little common courtesy—not too much to ask right, people???
1. TAKE UP AS LITTLE SPACE AS POSSIBLE
New York City is populated by more than 8.2 million people. It’s crowded. Don’t add to the overcrowding by taking up more space than necessary. For example, if you’re carrying one of those soon to be outdated oversized purses, carry it close to your person--tucked tightly under your arm, perhaps, or laid flat against the front of your body, ideally. Not only will you protect yourself from pick-pocketers and purse-snatchers, you’ll also avoid pissing me off by banging the bag into my side or having it block the aisle of the train.
2. WALK QUICKLY AND IN A STRAIGHT LINE
If you’re walking on a crowded sidewalk, don’t meander. Now’s not the time to stop and smell the roses. Don’t amble from side to side. And don’t make any sudden movements. There’s probably somebody behind you, trying to pass. If you swerve all of a sudden, you will invariably run right into them, pissing them off.
3. DON'T HOG THE SIDEWALK
This principle is closely related to number one. If you’re walking with someone, walk as close to them as humanly possible. If this person is a new acquaintance then you may allow up to 5 inches of space between the two of you, but that’s it. If you’re in a group (3 people or more), you must split up. Under no circumstances, should you ever walk side by side as a threesome. If you ignore my advice, don’t be surprised when you get “bumped into” by pissed-off pedestrians.
4. KEEP IT ON A SHORT LEASH
If you’re walking a dog, keep that crapper on a short leash. If you’re walking a child, keep that child glued to your leg (see number 2). Otherwise when I’m trying to pass, I may get tangled up in the leash and/or child and get pissed off.
5. STEP ASIDE SISTER
If you see a door, entrance or exit of any kind, don’t block it. Never block a subway door unless you intend to get out at the next stop. If you do, you deserve to be pushed off the train. And no one will come to your aid because they know you deserve it.
6. KEEP IT MOVING
If you happen to find yourself by the control panel in an elevator, wait for the last person to board, press the close button, and then KEEP YOUR FINGER on the button. If you don’t, the doors will wait a few seconds to close--just long enough to allow one incredibly selfish person to “slip” inside, which will inevitably set off the door’s safety sensors allowing an entire crowd of people to bum-rush the doors.
7. BE PREPARED
When approaching a turnstile in the subway, have your metro card out and ready to go. Don’t stand in front of the turnstile, digging in your purse or your wallet, while a pissed-off mob gathers behind you. But be careful not to swipe your card too quickly. The serial number won’t register and you’ll be forced to re-swipe, much to the dismay of an even more pissed-off mob behind you.
8. WEATHER ANY STORM
Inclement weather brings out the worst in people. In addition to releasing impossibly musty odors, rain necessitates umbrellas, the use of which few folks have mastered. Here’s a few rules to live by: When walking on a narrow sidewalk, look at the person coming towards you. Position your umbrella opposite to theirs. If they’re holding it high, hold yours low, and vice versa. If the sidewalk is too crowded with umbrellas, opt for holding it high. You may get a few sprinkles, but it’s better than getting into an umbrella war with a pissed-off person like me.
9. DON'T LEAN ON ME
New York is the city that never sleeps--not a bad thing on a Friday night, not so good on a Friday morning when some fat guy next to you is sound asleep, his head practically on your shoulder. Word to the wise: get your 8 hours of sleep. On a separate but related note, the pole in the middle of the subway is designed for hands. Many of them. If you lean against the pole with your body, where are the rest of us supposed to hold on? The only spaces that are left are the crook of your neck and your waist. So blame yourself if you feel some pissed-off person’s hands invading your personal space.
10. VOID RULES 1-9 IF YOU'RE THE EMPEROR
I break at least one of these rules every day, pissing off everyone around me.
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